Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
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My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
✌🏽
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
my fav colour is also hitler
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.