trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.