@randygdub: trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there's no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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@Tommytoughstuff: "Can I pet your dog?" "Sure, but he can be aggressive." [He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
@JustDontBugMe: M&M Customer service rep: How may I help you today? Me: I'm just furious right now! I paid good money for a bag of M&M's and all I got was this bag full of W's! I want my money back! Rep: Ma'am, please calm down. It's ok. Just flip it upside down Me: well this is embarrassing
@primawesome: If the CIA has my house bugged they've heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.