trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
You Might Also Like
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage