Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
You Might Also Like
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it