TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
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Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that