@dave_cactus: TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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@Pee_And_Giggles: 19: Help me think of a tweet. Me: I'm sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is. 19: Maaaaa!
@tarashoe: ohgod what if there's some murderer in the backseat of my car while i'm driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
@dafloydsta: [first day as a lawyer] ME: Clearly my client is guilty, your Honor. JUDGE: *pinching bridge of nose* Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
@BuckyIsotope: Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch an ounce of ganja Jack lit up and took a puff And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.