TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life