@dave_cactus: TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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@bazecraze: The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like.
@KenJennings: I ordered a red ottoman online yesterday and now all my self-aware sidebar ads are a never-ending David Lynch fever dream of red ottomans.
@Tommytoughstuff: IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion. PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER! IP: Okay, someone that's not my wife.