(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
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another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Warm pools make me nervous.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
She puts the hot in psychotic
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.