Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
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If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Merry Christmas
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Netflix and awkward silence?
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.