Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
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Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
[adds another nod to the conversation]
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I enjoy a good short stor
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.