Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
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Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
consequences, the bane of my existence
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
what do you want!!!!!!!!
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”