@RideSallyRide69: At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

@ojedge: [packing for holiday] WIFE: U don't have to only put suits in a suitcase ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don't make the rules Karen

@El_nacho_Nigre: Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you'll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

@Freeman4all33: It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

@Dutch_50: I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can't help but slice everything as if I'm in an infomercial.