god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
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my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.