Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
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*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.