[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
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*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children