[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
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i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.