@robdelaney: Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
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@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: When you're 9, you can drive Me: Pretty sure you have to be older 4yo: Some people can drive at 9 Me: A little older 4yo: Ya, it's 9
@truegritrumble: WIFE: Can you send these party invites out? ME: Sure *throws them out window* WIFE: Did you- ME: If they're meant to come, they'll come.
@dafloydsta: [first day working at Viagra] BOSS: We need a new slogan. ME: *sweating* This is really hard. BOSS: You're a goddamn genius, Johnson.
@WeissBrandon: I get it short people, I get it. Oooops sorry typo, I'll get it short people, I'll get it.