Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015