@rickygervais: Trump worked his way up from nothing. He's going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That's all you need.
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@david8hughes: Our family summer boat trips haven't been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
@CatherineLMK: How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
@forcemajeure40: Apparently when I'm at Olive Garden I'm family. So why did they call the cops when I left without paying? My family never makes me pay.
@iinkedZombie: [pet store] Me *looking at snakes* "CAN I FEED THEM?" Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure. Me *putting my kids in tank*