@rickygervais: Trump worked his way up from nothing. He's going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That's all you need.
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@eedrk: doctor: you know how to measure your bowel movements me: yeah of course doctor: you weigh yourself before and after me: [15 Sec pause] yeah
@bridger_w: I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it's still terrifying because at this point, that's basically all my blood is
@CarolineCasey: We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
@trojansauce: [interview] "what's you're biggest weakness?" *whispers* "sorry i couldn-" I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME