@rickygervais: Trump worked his way up from nothing. He's going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That's all you need.
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@Schmoodles: I call my bedroom 'The place where the magic happens' because one night a guy locked me in a box and tried to saw me in half.
@bornmiserable: MEN: if your date is cold, don't just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
@EJGomez: one time this girl pulled me close & said "I'm the girl your mom warned you about" & I said "so you chose bulbasaur as your starter pokemon"
@Brianhopecomedy: Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that's not a good tweet but I'm getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.