@rickygervais: Trump worked his way up from nothing. He's going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That's all you need.
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@DanMentos: I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What does God smell like? Me: 4-year-old: Me: Nachos. 4-year-old: With cheese?
@GreenSmoke_: My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.