[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
You Might Also Like
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.