Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
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I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE