Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
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I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth