My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
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Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.