[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
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My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
23. the denim jacket
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Don’t tell me what to do
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.