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@TheToddWilliams: Trumpy Cat
@dlsims01: Invitations: $10
Facility rental: $100
Not having 20 kids in my house: priceless
Math of a mother
@flyafuckingkite: If money can't buy happiness, explain ice cream. You can't.
@david8hughes: [wakes up & turns to wife]
"I had a nightmare. You died."
"Aw. It was just a-"
"Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast."
@WilliamAder: I remember when yoga was called Twister.
@_troyjohnson: Son, my best advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions and stick with them.