Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
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sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.