@chopper4jk: Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
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@FillWerrell: If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest damnit! KNEES TO CHEST
@murrman5: [interview after finishing last in the olympics] do you regret saying "I could win this race wearing flip flops" [pulls mic close] yes
@RoosterMustache: [enter password] mypulloutgame [password weak] All 8 of my kids: daddy why are u crying
@scottthetwat: I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.