Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
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As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I am yelling
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂