Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
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I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
no one ever comes back
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
twitter users today:
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos