“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
You Might Also Like
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Does beer think about me too?
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Wednesday
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot