the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
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“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?