NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
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Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?