Truth
You Might Also Like
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are