Truth
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Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
This is amazing.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
The best plant holders?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven