Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
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Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”