Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
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Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
My work here is done
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
…u ok Nintendo?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule