I don’t understand what’s happening here.
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my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest