Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
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I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up