@Alex_N_Chains: Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
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@mishakey: How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?
@PaperWash: [First day as a private investigator] *Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound *Gets murdered
@andylevy: "Guess I'll turn on the news to see what the government is up to" - The President of the United States
@Izianikapani: "Do people really become like their pets?" I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.