@Alex_N_Chains: Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: You should be nicer to me. You'll never have another dad. 5-year-old: Don't be so sure. Mom is pretty.
@pleatedjeans: [junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me] Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
@XplodingUnicorn: [out in public] Me: A kid is crying. Wife: It's not one of ours. [we fist bump]
@DothTheDoth: Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.