TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
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me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂