Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
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Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.