Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
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Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Happy weekend !
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”