Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
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My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
This is my brand.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers