@brownbear952: Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.
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@robfee: Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
@abhorrent_wife: I don't always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
@WetzelGeek: Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering "...it would be so easy..."
@zoeklar: my friend told me on first dates i should just "be myself" and "be confident" and i was like "ok but which one?"