Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
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She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which