Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
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HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I can’t wait!
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.