“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
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captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*