Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
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I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video