[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
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Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life