Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
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my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
*gets down on one knee*
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
He took my last fry, your honor
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.