@DearAnyone: "Try to score a goal. Don't use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
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@WilliamRodgers: So I'm Calling random stores & saying "Hey It's Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!".... There's got to be a Michael at one of these places...
@RocketRankoon: Shout out to Pringles for admitting they're addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
@SuperRandomish: Coworker: "How'd you get that cut above your eye?" Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"
@_troyjohnson: Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.