[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
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If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
normalize having existential bread
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.