Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
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Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe