*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
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My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”