Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
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“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver