I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
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No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
“Why you watching this shit?”