Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
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I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
? 💀
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Swedish for common sense.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest