Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
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I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”