@BruceForce: Trying to convince my wife that the white powder on my nose is cocaine to hide the fact I've eaten a large sugary donut
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@Gooooats: My kitten is probably the most playful creature on the planet, but it's less cute when you realize it's all just bird murder practice.
@pissrifle: good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude's blood/bones
@KeetPotato: [lookin in bushes for our baby] me: where the hell can he be? dog: roof roof roof me: will you shut up [baby waves at the dog from the roof]